After the loss of a loved one, the world can feel chaotic and unfamiliar. The feelings that surface can be so intense and confusing, leaving you to wonder if what you’re experiencing is normal. I know that feeling of being completely lost in your emotions, like a ship without a rudder. That’s where the idea of the stages of grief can be so helpful. They’re not a rigid checklist to be completed; they’re more like a map to help you understand that your feelings are a completely natural and valid part of this journey. They’re a guide to the common emotional experiences of loss.
This guide explains the well-known 5 stages of grief, why grief is a non-linear process, and how you can cope with your feelings. Understanding these emotional responses can bring so much comfort and validation during a time of immense sadness. If you need immediate help, you can explore these grief support & resources: coping with loss and finding healing.
The 5 Stages of Grief: A Map, Not a Mandate
The five stages of grief were first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While they were originally about facing one’s own death, they’ve been widely adopted to help understand the grief process after any major loss. It’s important to view these stages not as a checklist to complete, but as common emotional responses. You may experience all, some, or none of them, and in no particular order.
- Denial: This is the initial stage of shock and disbelief. It’s a natural defense mechanism that helps you survive the immediate, overwhelming pain of a loss. You might find yourself thinking, “This can’t be happening.” Or maybe, “This is just a bad dream.”
- Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, you may feel intense anger. This anger can be directed at doctors, family members, God, or even at the person who died. It’s a normal part of the process and a sign that you are beginning to confront your pain. Don’t feel guilty about it.
- Bargaining: In this stage, you might find yourself lost in a swirl of “what if” and “if only” statements. It’s a way for your mind to try to regain control or imagine a different outcome.
- Depression: This stage is not necessarily a sign of clinical depression but rather a deep, profound sadness. It is when the emptiness of the loss feels most present. These feelings are a natural and appropriate response to a great loss.
- Acceptance: Acceptance is not about being “okay” with the loss. It’s not a happy ending. It’s about acknowledging the reality that your loved one is gone and learning to live in a world that has been permanently changed. It’s about integrating the loss into your life and moving forward with it.
Grief Is Not a Straight Line
One of the biggest misconceptions about the stages of grief is that they happen in a neat, orderly line. Real grief is messy, unpredictable, and unique to each person. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. You might feel a wave of intense sadness and then, an hour later, find yourself laughing at a funny memory. That’s okay. You might move from anger to acceptance and then back to denial. That’s normal, too.
Grief often comes in waves. An anniversary, a song on the radio, or a particular place can trigger intense feelings, even years after the loss. This is a normal part of the long-term healing from grief. For more on this, see our guide on coping with grief on holidays, anniversaries & special occasions.
How Long Does It Last?
There is no timeline for grief. The process of healing is different for everyone and cannot be rushed. Please be patient and compassionate with yourself. The amount of time it takes to move through your grief depends on many factors, including your relationship with the person, the circumstances of their death, and your own support system. While most grief is a normal response, sometimes the feelings of sadness can be so debilitating for a long time that it may be a sign of complicated grief. If your grief is preventing you from functioning in your daily life, it’s a good idea to seek professional help. You can learn more about the types of grief: normal, complicated, anticipatory & disenfranchised here.
The Sixth Stage: Finding Meaning
Grief expert David Kessler, who co-authored a book with Kübler-Ross, later proposed a sixth stage of grief: Finding Meaning. This isn’t about trying to find a reason for the loss, but rather about finding meaning in the life that was lived and in your own life going forward. Meaning can be found by honoring your loved one’s memory, by living your own life more fully, or by simply transforming the love you still have for the person into something positive in the world. It’s a powerful and hopeful final stage.
Grief vs. Mourning
These two words are often used interchangeably, but they have distinct meanings that are helpful to know. Grief is your internal experience. It’s the collection of thoughts and feelings you have inside—your sadness, anger, and longing. Mourning is the external expression of that grief. It’s the act of crying, talking about your loss, attending a funeral, or creating memorial rituals. Mourning is the action you take to work through your grief.
How to Cope with the Stages of Grief?
While there is no way to speed up the grief process, there are healthy ways to cope with your feelings and support yourself through the journey. You don’t have to do it alone.
Practical Tips for Healing
- Acknowledge Your Pain: Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. It’s okay to not be okay.
- Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a support group. You do not have to go through this alone. This is when to consider finding professional help like grief counseling & therapy.
- Practice Self-Care: Grief is physically and emotionally exhausting. Try to take care of your basic needs: eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and engage in gentle movement. Explore some self-care strategies for grieving individuals: nurturing your well-being.
- Honor Their Memory: Find ways to remember and honor your loved one that bring you comfort, whether it’s creating a photo album, planting a tree, or continuing a tradition.
The stages of grief are a map, not a mandate. They are there to help you understand that your feelings are a normal part of the human experience of loss. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate your unique grief journey. This process applies to all forms of loss, from the death of a parent to explaining pet loss to children.
Over time, the sharp pain of loss can soften, allowing the love and memories to shine through more brightly. A formal farewell can be an important part of this process, which you can learn about in this guide to pet funeral & memorial services: a compassionate guide to honoring your companion.
– Licensed Grief Counselor & Contributor
Dr. Ellery is a board-certified grief counselor with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and over a decade of experience working with individuals and families coping with loss. He believes in providing compassionate, practical support to help people heal at their own pace. Marcus writes regularly about emotional wellness, grief processing, and mental health during bereavement.
Specialty Topics: Stages of grief, coping mechanisms, supporting children through loss, grief resources.
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